Who Wants to Fall in… Ooey Gooey Love?

For a long time, I was afraid of being the ooey gooey lovey personality that I am. 

I put my intellect first so people can trust the loving person that I am.

People are hesitant to love… ooey gooey love. They are afraid that if it catches them, they're stuck… like a fly in a spider web. I don't blame them. It's true. Once you fall, you're stuck.

But the difference is that a fly in a spider web wants to get away. Unlike the fly, a person who falls in love leans in. When they are finally caught on the web of infinite love, they are electrified with a frequency that immediately projects in their mind a burst of colors, moments of joy, laughter, excitement, warm hugs, babies, and blue skies. It's like feeling God for the first time. It's like feeling your true Self for the first time. 

As an engineer, I was living as far away from the love webs as possible. I don't mean romantically. I was still experiencing lust, sensual moments, connections, and lasting and overstimulating events. But it wasn't true love. It couldn't be true love because fear was there. 

When fear is present, all of the societal and cultural performances take place. All of the standards, rules, and formalities make sense. 

I can guarantee you that in my 20s through my 30s, I stayed between the lines and conformed like “the good girl” I was. It was like fear had been painted on both sides of my path and as long as I stayed in my lane, nothing bad could've happened to me. And it's true. I had the most predictable boring life you can imagine. I went to college, got married, bought a house, had a child, and got a job at a good and reputable company.

Everything anyone can dream of. But one day, that path painted by fear on both sides felt really small. I didn't know why the lines were there or what was on the other side; but all of a sudden I didn't want to be in that lane anymore. 

It's not like fear stopped scaring me. It was more like LIFE was calling me outside of those lines. 

It's not like I knew what was on the other side either. I didn't. I never wondered. When I think that, it makes me want to cry. I feel sad. Not only did I not wonder but I also have judged those around me who have. I remember telling my sisters as a child to stay in their lanes if they want to succeed and become someone one day. They too had to be good Catholic girls, get married, graduate, build a family, and work in reputable companies. It feels silly writing this. But it's true. That's how I was. 

Now I see tears roll down my face when I see singers, actors, entrepreneurs, and other great professionals succeed from living completely authentic lives outside the confinement of the lines. I feel sad again. I feel like someone told me a lie and no one came to save me, so I stayed. I woke up one day and realized that I was living a path that wasn't traced by me. 

It was important that I learned to save myself at the age of 39. I learned in therapy that I could go back in time and literally save me from whatever situation, and show that version of myself that she is very loved by me. But there is still a sore spot that hurts when I rescue myself because it reminds me that no one is coming to save me but me. It feels lonely. I feel abandoned. Abandoned because I was born into a family of 5 but I don't feel like any of them can rescue me. And honestly, I think all 5 of us think the same way—that one cannot save the other. 

I would love to learn to completely and deeply admire loneliness. And I do most times. When I want to feel more me, I like to be alone. But when my body craves connection, I feel like being alone is sad. 

Maybe I am afraid that the sadness will last forever. But that's not true. I rescue myself from past traumas so I can feel more whole again, and so I can be a better person with me and others. 

Maybe going back to save a version of me alone IS the best solution.

Now that I think of it, it's true. Nobody would know what to say or do. I do the rescuing not because no one will come to save me but because it needs to be me so we can both move forward. 

What a beautiful realization! 

Instead of thinking, “Here I go again to save myself because no one is here to save me”… I can say, “Here I go again to save myself because there is no one better than me to do that.” 

That is the meaning of true self-love. 

I now see that when I wish for someone else to save me, I forget what I mean to myself.

When I wish for someone else to save me, I'm wishing that someone would love me because I'm unloved. But when I choose myself to save me because I'm the best option for it, I remember how big my love can be for myself. And love is love. It feels warm and fuzzy no matter where it's coming from. 

That's also how I know when I'm rescuing me with love and when I'm rescuing me because I'm feeling sorry for myself. Most times it's both. But then I hug that version of myself extra hard so that before we both move forward, all there is is love. 

That's how I introduce love to fear. I make it so big that fear becomes this tiny thing I can hold in my hands. 

And so I'm done hiding the ooey gooey love that I am. I'm no longer interested in proving my worth through intellect before offering my heart. 

Love doesn't need credentials. Love is the credential. 

Fear is still painted all around and near me, but it is met with love immediately—big, warm, and fuzzy love. And every time I introduce them, love expands and fear diminishes. 

Love doesn't trap, but holds. It rises from within and connects us all. This is what happens when fear meets love.